Sliding into Darkness

Oh, this is wrong. And I mean Properly Wrong.

I was in Bristol a couple of weeks ago, and we got drunk on Pimms, and there was a skip.

So I said "Let's go Dumpster Diving!".

So we did.

What we found looked like something out of Lost. Amongst the busted office chairs, ceiling tiles and bits of carpet, there were dozens of wallets of slides.

So we took some.

And they are DARK, my friend. Here's a teaser for you:

It's the last one on that list that turns it into a SAW prequel, I think.

I shall post more. Some of them are really unpublishable. I am talking severed human feet. Not only that, but the names of the patients are written on the slides. Surely that is a bit wrong. Surely there must be such a thing as a Slide Shredder?

What I Am Doing In The Mornings

I hope the clement weather finds you well.

Some bits and pieces for you:

"Pleased to Meet You" the Sony-nominated radio show featuring my alter ego Dora Dale is enjoying some repeats on BBC Radio 7 - you can catch up here:

www.pleasegiveusanotherseries.com

Although I don't know of whom the photo is. One wouldn't have minded being consulted on such things... Ah well. Dora will be making her debut in Edinburgh this year... See below.

Also, Jake Yapp's Little Bits, my new, compact podcast is up to show ten (10) now - you can catch up here:

Podcasts

Work continues apace on the TWO (2) Edinburgh shows. I do hope you can come. I am doing previews on the 16th and 26th July at the Doghouse in Kennington, if you fancy it. Admission free and all that. If you'd like to read the little blurby bits about the shows, you can do so here, on the Edfringe website:

The Free One

The Expensive One

I am pleased to report I will be working with the preposterously affable Danny Wallace when he sits in for Adam and Joe on 6Music from July 11th. Do give the show a listen if you can. It'll be good!

Also, I am now an official voice over artist, registered with the lovely Emma Harvey of Harvey Voices. You can see my page and listen to samples here:

Posh Talk An Nat

And now, my cat has eaten my earphone, so I must go and buy a replacement.

Hugs!

Jake

Impressions That Must Never Be Done Again

I want legislation. The following impressions must be made illegal within the next 28 days. If you have a legal background, please get in touch.

Kermit the Frog

Frank Spencer

Sean Connery

Elmer Fudd

Tommy Cooper

Droopy

David Coleman

Roger Moore

Anyone from The Simpsons

Fred Flintstone

Robert de Niro

The Movie Voice Over Guy

Arnold Schwarzenegger

George Bush, especially with extrama syllamables

Any Other Muppets, especially Miss Piggy and Fozzie

Any Harry Enfield characters

Any Fast Show characters

David Brent

Bob Hoskins

Michael Caine

Clint Eastwood

David Attenborough

Are You Being Served?

Cartman and Any Other South Park Characters

Jeremy Clarkson

Trevor McDonald

Lenny Henry

Groucho Marx

Larry Grayson

Ronald Reagan

Margaret Thatcher

Mickey Mouse

Donald Duck

Robin Williams

Jack Nicholson

Yoda

Ozzy Osborne

Borat

Ali G

Bruno (coming onstream July 2009)

Family Guy

John Merrick

Beavis and Butthead

Marlon Brando

Anyone from Star Trek

Bad Lip-Synched Kung Fu Movies

Nelson Mandela

Bill Clinton

Little Britain

League of Gentlemen

Vic and Bob / Shooting Stars

Eddie Murphy

Bob Dylan

Michael Jackson

Johnny Cash

The Churchill Dog

Mr T

Offences should carry minimum 10 year sentence. Life for Kermit, Connery and Arnie. If you have any other suggestions for the list, please add them below...

In Praise of Downham

It is refreshing to remember that the big supermarkets haven't sewn everything up. In these times of corporate vertically-integrated brand synergy bollocks, you have to love a place like Downham:

Downham! Jewel of East Catford!

At the bottom of the sprawling housing estate is this little parade of shops, and I cannot count the times it has provided the things you just can't buy anywhere else.

When I needed maggots for a TV shoot, I found them in the fishing shop.

When I needed a walking stick for Dora Dale, the charity shop provided one.

And at Christmas it was the last place in London to stock Glace Cherries.

David Tomlinson banged on about Portobello Road in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, but I put it to you that he should really have been singing about Downham. And he really should have cut the song down by about three minutes. Especially the world music montage. Bloody hell. But I digress.

Downham was home to one of the last surviving Woolworths, and for a long time had a shop called Alladin's (sic) Cave, which sold everything from hinges to blank painting canvasses. Awesome.

In one shop last week, I bought garden shears, Lemsips, and a plastic storage tub. Which I had to take home and wash up. There was a slightly more expensive clean one. I like shops where the same product comes in different prices. Or where the product label says "Only £1.29!" but they stick a price sticker saying £1.99 over the top.

Anyway. I put it to you that without these handy little oases (oases? oasises?) of moulded plastic, modern Britain would be lost. God Bless You, Downham!

Why Spain Leads the World

Pizza. In a cone. 

Come on.

Tonight's TV - Tues 17th March

What the flip is going on with Horizon? Personally, all I want is Cox. Brian Cox. I suspect that joke might have worked better on the radio. Anyone would think I wrote this for the radio and have now repurposed it for the blog. Dear me no. Not my style. Always fresh, every time.

Anyway. Horizon. Tonight the show is fronted by David Baddiel, who will no doubt be twiddling his stupid earring and talking about education. I’m sure the former English reader at King’s College Cambridge will have plenty to say to the likes of you and me about education. What do you mean, bitter?

Frog Blancmange, anyone? No? Bone Marrow Rice Pudding? Heston Blumenthal is rapidly turning into a culinary Roald Dahl – mmm, dahl – with his latest offering, Heston’s Tudor Feast at 9 on Channel 4. Still, it might be moderately entertaining to watch Sophie Ellie-Bextor and Cilla Black trying to get it down. Fame is a cruel mistress. They must be desperate.

Finally, oh well, Horne and Corden continue their sketch show on BBC3 at 10.30. Whether your favourite is the lumpy one, and I’m a fine one to talk, or the one with eye shadow, there’s something there for everyone, if everyone has never ever ever seen the Fast Show, Smack the Pony, or almost any comedy, quite possible including Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. 

Have a good day!

 

 

Why JJ Abrams Sucks

It started (although I didn't know it at the time) with Armageddon, a film from 1998 that sucked. It dealt with the subject of the earth being struck by a meteor, and it came out about 8 seconds after Deep Impact, which dealt with the same theme but was a much more interesting, sensitive, and well-thought-out film. 

JJ Abrams was a writer on Armageddon, from there on he made the TV series Alias, which featured Jennifer Garner looking like she was trying to suck milk out of a diamond, and then he went on to make Lost.

The next slew of episodes has just hit UK television, and it sucks. Now, I know I'm saying nothing new here, but here's the thing:

THERE WILL BE NO ANSWERS, AND THERE WILL BE NO PAYOFF. EVER.

EVER.

Thing is, I can PROVE THIS. 

Series One of Lost was one of the most exciting things ever. We all watched, chewing our knuckles, wondering what it all meant, what GENIUS masterplan was at work, what MONUMENT of televisual EXCELLENCE was being built on these EXHILARATING foundations?

And the answer is none. None monument. In series one, we had to endure the unending flashbacks to the characters' lives before they crash landed on the island. We sat patiently through them for the 90 seconds of gratifying plot advancement each episode afforded. 

And so it continued with Series Two. More mysteries! Lordy, it sure would be nice to have something explained, or some mystery revealed at some point, but gosh darn it, it's all so exciting!

Then JJ Abrams started making Cloverfield, and then we realised he was a fucking liar and a bullshit merchant and a substanceless piece of sucky fuck. Don't believe me? Click on this link and watch:

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/j_j_abrams_mystery_box.html

(Incidentally, don't let it put you off www.ted.com, which is one of my favourite websites)

And there it all is. Let me save you the precious minutes of humanity - I'll paraphrase his little talk. What he basically says is "I think it's way more exciting when you don't get to find out what's going on. And Macs are way cool." 

Oh, SUPER. Well, sorry, but isn't that part of the contract between the creator and the audience? We agree to watch your film or TV show or read your book, and you promise to give us some kind of fucking payoff.

Around Cloverfield time, Lost started doing flash... forwards, instead of flashbacks. A fantastic move, that suddenly made the time on the island, formerly the exciting part, the boring part. And in fact, we all started not to care about any of it, because nobody was really telling us anything about anything anymore. 

And this evening's episode, after a year's hiatus, is the most incomprehensible mess of bollocks I have ever seen. At any given time you don't know if you're watching a flashback, a flashforwards, a 'time-loop' on the island, or the delusions of Hurley, the mentally-disturbed fat guy, who must surely be on danger money for maintaining that weight for so many years. Dude, just looking at him makes me feel a little... Hurley.

The whole thing smacks of a play mounted by two six-year-olds who are frantically trying to raise the stakes as they sense the endgame of bedtime approaching:

"And, then, er, and then, a THING comes out of the trees and it's made of SMOKE!"

"No, come on JJ, it's bedtime, isn't it...?"

"No, and then... And THEN! They discover they are travelling in TIME!" (Starts bouncing on sofa.)

"Come on JJ... Teeth"

"But, no, and then, then, one of them's DEAD but he's not!" (Leaps off sofa.)

"Teeth and bed."

"No, TWO of them!" (Smashes into brand new DAB radio with iPod dock.)

"Right. That's it."

Getting into a mess is a piece of cake. Getting back out of it without losing your audience is the hard part. JJ Abrams, you SUCKY PIECE OF COCKING SHAFT. 

Oh, and isn't it awful what's going on in the Middle East.